The order of the processional is often the subject of great debate and temporary confusion, but – like a procession itself – neither argument nor dismay over this issue is a requirement.
For informal ceremonies, the minister and the two people getting married may simply move to the chosen place at the appropriate time. A musical cue or greeting from the minister is all that is needed to signal that the ceremony is about to begin.
Even at a formal ceremony, the procession may simply be an entrance by one (or both) of the people getting married. A pared-down version of tradition may include the parents of the individuals getting married, followed by (or escorting in) one or both of the participants. You may also simply invite a few close family members and friends to precede you down the aisle in no particular order.
Like so many other decisions to be made about a wedding and the events surrounding it, a combination of contemporary, traditional and intensely personal ways to order a procession may be just what fits your situation. You need not toss out what has meaning for you, even as you identify aspects of tradition that leave you cold. Reshaping a tradition can have as much symbolic impact – or more, in some cases – as rejecting it altogether. The "rules," such as they are, for a typical opposite-gender wedding are based on several rarely-questioned assumptions: (1) the most important guests are seated last, and the most important participants enter last; (2)women, on this day, at least, are allowed the polite fiction that they take precedence over men – except in regards to escorting a child to the altar; and (3) women, even still, must be escorted at social functions.
These strictures explain why the bride’s mother is often the last guest seated, why the groom and minister and male attendants sometimes sidle in through a different door, and why the maid of honor rarely leads in the female attendants. In Western cultures, truly traditional processions – still practiced in parts of Europe – had attendants following, rather than preceding, the parties getting married, so choosing a set of "traditional" rules can be complicated.
The Jewish tradition of wedding couples being escorted by both parents – who also remain standing with them during the ceremony – has its appeal, but that would presume no more than two parents per bride or groom and that all concerned parties are on friendly (or at least civil) terms. Alas, there are often such issues to consider.
Changing cultural norms also affect the way the rules can and should be interpreted. Old-school processional lists do not, for instance, generally account for a number of other issues, including: (1) multiple marriages among the parents and grandparents, (2) children that one or both marriage partners may already have, (3) marriages of same-gender couples, (4) where to put the bride’s former step-father’s new wife or the groom’s mother’s ex-wife and the ex-wife’s new husband, or (5) for the absence or estrangement of biological-legal parents and/or grandparents.
Making Sense of It All
Below I offer two suggested processional lists that may be helpful for contemporary couples.
The first, a relatively standard incarnation, is appropriate for an opposite-gender wedding (or a same-gender wedding that somewhat models traditional gender roles) and conveys social honor to genders in different ways. The second, which ignores precedence based on gender, takes a broader view of family and may be more suitable for same-gender couples (and for opposite-gender couples who are less traditional).
Your interpretation of either list can be influenced by ideas from the other. When using either, simply skip any category of family or attendant not applicable to your situation. You may also shorten the overall procession by removing one or more of the sections (generally from the beginning of the list).
Some ideas to consider: (1) Age, illness and/or level of mobility may affect whether some family members prefer to be in the procession, but do not make an assumption one way or the other without speaking to the relative in question. (2) If including any great-grandparents, situate them in the procession prior to the grandparents, using the same designated order within the group. (3) You may include recently discovered biological parents (or children) if you choose and if they are comfortable in the designated role, but this is by no means an expectation – particularly if you have adoptive parents who will be part of the wedding. (4) Traditionally, a male usher would escort a female family member in the processional to her seat. If she is partnered with or married to a male relative, he would follow her and the usher. (5) Married or partnered females in the procession may prefer to be escorted by the spouse rather than an usher. (6) Single men usually process in unescorted, and single women may also prefer this option. (7) The dates (as opposed to spouses, domestic partners, long-term live-ins or living-apart-togethers) of parents, grandparents and teen or adult children should be seated prior to the procession, to be joined by the relative in question upon entry. Exceptions to this expectation will require that you offer a place in the procession to all of them.
Additionally, if an individual fits into more than one category or is partnered with (or escorting) someone in another category, move them back in the procession (further down the list) to the place with more status. For example, a step-parent or step-grandparent who is currently married to a parent or grandparent, or any relative who is escorting a bride or groom, would be moved to the appropriate place on the list. Likewise, any relative serving as an attendant would be moved forward as well.
In all cases, my suggestion would be to prepare a processional list in advance with the names of all individuals (rather than their category) listed in order, which makes a happy blur of the status distinctions that assisted you in generating the list in the first place.
Processional RSI: Relatively Standard Incarnation
For multiple individuals within a category of "steps," list them from least to most recently married into the family. For multiples within a category of "grands," list paternal grandparents before maternal grandparents. If a group of children includes some born to both bride and groom and some from previous relationships, have them all enter together, or assign them to your parents and/or grandparents as appropriate. For multiple honor attendants, males enter before (or escort) females, "matrons" enter before "maids," and males enter from youngest to oldest (or together). The groom – if declining an Entrance – may escort his mother or his child(ren), or may enter with the minister or the groom’s honor attendant(s).
For multiple individuals within any category, list from youngest to oldest, without regard to gender or which bride/groom they "belong to. "Surrogate or "adopted" parents/grandparents belong in the same category as the parents/grandparents, and all should be listed in the same order as all multiple individuals within a category. Ushers, regardless of gender, may escort any relatives who are unaccompanied in the procession. Attendants, regardless of gender, may process singly or in pairs (and, with the option of a wider aisle, in threes).
Step-Grandparent(s) Grandparent(s) Step-Parent(s) Parent(s) Minister Attendant(s) Junior Attendant(s) Ring Bearer(s) Honor (Best) Attendant(s) Flower Girl(s) and/or Boy(s) Brides or Grooms (or Bride and Groom)*
*The two individuals getting married may choose to enter together, enter from opposite sides (and process in together), enter separately and have one wait on the other at some halfway point (then continue together), or enter singly in any order.
Final Notes
Now that you have fully exhausted your energies arranging the processional, the recessional will be a complete no-brainer. Your work is almost done.
Really, it is.
Simply reverse the procession order – keeping in mind that the couple just married will leave together first, regardless of where they were in the processional, and that any attendants and/or family members (in even numbers) who entered singly may (but do not need to) leave in pairs.
These strictures explain why the bride’s mother is often the last guest seated, why the groom and minister and male attendants sometimes sidle in through a different door, and why the maid of honor rarely leads in the female attendants. In Western cultures, truly traditional processions – still practiced in parts of Europe – had attendants following, rather than preceding, the parties getting married, so choosing a set of "traditional" rules can be complicated.
Some ideas to consider: (1) Age, illness and/or level of mobility may affect whether some family members prefer to be in the procession, but do not make an assumption one way or the other without speaking to the relative in question. (2) If including any great-grandparents, situate them in the procession prior to the grandparents, using the same designated order within the group. (3) You may include recently discovered biological parents (or children) if you choose and if they are comfortable in the designated role, but this is by no means an expectation – particularly if you have adoptive parents who will be part of the wedding. (4) Traditionally, a male usher would escort a female family member in the processional to her seat. If she is partnered with or married to a male relative, he would follow her and the usher. (5) Married or partnered females in the procession may prefer to be escorted by the spouse rather than an usher. (6) Single men usually process in unescorted, and single women may also prefer this option. (7) The dates (as opposed to spouses, domestic partners, long-term live-ins or living-apart-togethers) of parents, grandparents and teen or adult children should be seated prior to the procession, to be joined by the relative in question upon entry. Exceptions to this expectation will require that you offer a place in the procession to all of them.
